How being nice is stunting your personal growth and social life.
Read until the end for some real-life scenarios
How does the saying go? Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice? At a young age, we as women are conditioned to be sweet and agreeable. We aren’t to raise our voices or assert ourselves, that’s just not ladylike. While we all should treat people well, this teaches us at a young age that our appearance is solely based on pleasing others, largely men. What it neglects to teach us is that our voices, preferences, and boundaries matter. So let’s talk a little more about why we all need to stop being “nice”.
Nice is not the same as being kind
Let’s redefine ‘nice.’ It’s time we prioritize kindness – to ourselves first. We should be setting boundaries that honor our well-being. Shift your focus towards cultivating kindness, decency, and strong ethics that come from a place of authenticity.
Are your actions and voices based on not making another person upset or are they rooted in love and fairness?
Niceness relieves others of accountability for actions
What’s the other part of the children’s rhyme? Boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. What kind of description is that? The girls are given an entire lesson on accountability and the boys are described as random objects. It’s also implied that they are to be the opposite of girls. This conditions us to believe the next saying for our teenage years “Boys will be boys”. Fostering an enabling and toxic mindset towards holding men accountable for their actions. I won’t pick on the guys only, this type of thinking opens your heart up towards malicious and manipulative people of any gender.
It’s important to know that others may use the perception of niceness to coax you into lowering your defenses for their gain. Don’t worry the more you practice true kindness the easier it will be to spot them.
Niceness prevents deeper connections
Being ‘nice’ is a transactional thought process, that promotes people pleasing, and creates shallow connections so that the people around you react to you favorably. There is a time and a place for Quid Pro Quo but not in genuine connections. Quid Pro Quo is the mentality of being granted or expecting something in return. We we use this thought process in our close relationships we are technically and often unintentionally manipulating them into thinking we are good people who deserve to be treated well. What happens is a fixation on their needs that can lead to neglecting our own. You will begin to enable others and train them to mentally associate you as a resource instead of a true friend or companion. By being kind you adequately communicate your needs and expectations. You build a partnership instead of a one-sided dependency.
Real-life scenario examples
- In a Relationship:
- Nice: Avoiding a necessary conversation about relationship issues to keep the peace.
- Kind: Initiating a thoughtful, respectful conversation about the issues, understanding that the long-term health of the relationship is more important than temporary comfort.
- Organizing a Group Trip:
- Nice: Agreeing to a destination or activity that you don’t enjoy because others are excited about it, leading to possible resentment.
- Kind: Voicing your preferences or concerns and seeking a compromise that considers everyone’s interests, including your own.
- In a Work Environment:
- Nice: Agreeing to take on extra work despite having a full plate, risking burnout.
- Kind: Politely declining additional tasks, explaining your current workload, and offering to assist in other ways.
- During a Friend’s Crisis:
- Nice: Telling a friend what they want to hear to keep them happy, even if it’s not the truth.
- Kind: Offering honest, yet compassionate advice that truly addresses their situation, even if it’s hard to hear.
Conclusion
I have felt so free this year once I let go of being nice and began to respect my feelings within situations. I now treat people with kindness and healthy boundaries. I communicate my strengths as a friend and companion. This allows those people in my life to have healthy and realistic expectations of the role I will play in their lives. This leaves less room for disappointment and miscommunication
Share this with a friend who needs this reminder to set boundaries. How would you describe your behavior on your personal growth journey? Are you historically nice? Or are you a boundary setter?
